Moments
by BloodFromTheThorn
Summary: Loki has nothing but time sat in his cell and so he remembers. He remembers the good and the bad, but mostly he just remembers Thor. Leading up to TDW, no slash.
1. Chapter 1

Even centuries later, locked in his cell under Asgard, Loki could still remember the first time he had truly felt Thor slipping away from him.

As youths - before politics, before Sif and the Warriors Three - they had been all but inseparable, playing and fighting together under the watchful eyes of Frigga. Loki admired his elder brother with the fixation only a child can sustain and Thor in turn was wildly protective of the younger child.

When Thor met Frandral and Hogun, Loki had been unaware that his horizons were already changing and had greeted them with all the courtesy he had been taught. When he'd met Volstagg, he'd found that he actually liked the large man - he knew how to have fun and didn't begrudge anyone else for doing so (provided they didn't get between him and a feast). It wasn't until Thor introduced him to Sif that Loki was suddenly hit with the realisation that everything was about to change.

* * *

_It happened gradually. Thor would decide to spend the day hunting with his friends and would try and placate Loki by promising that they'd spend time together after he returned. To begin with, he kept his word. But then he didn't. Loki was certain it wasn't malicious - Thor simply forgot about him when they weren't together; he was rapidly growing aware that Thor meant more to him than he did to Thor._

_But then, one summer in their adolescence, Loki had managed to convince Thor to spend a few days with him so that he could show him around some of his favourite haunts of Alfheim. They were both avoiding the palace in Asgard so that they wouldn't have to entertain the Dwarven diplomats that were visiting and Loki was relishing the chance to get away from the politics of court._

_Two days later and they were heading home again, spirits high as they laughed and joked together on the long walk back. Part of the treaty that bound Alfheim to Asgard stated that they would not open the bifrost in the sacred forest unless absolutely necessary but Loki didn't care - for the first time in a long time he was truly happy and content. For now, he had his brother back._

_Of course, that was when it all went wrong, just as it always did. The bilgesnipe came out of nowhere - one moment the forest was silent but for the cry of their laughter and then suddenly trees were crashing to the ground and the beast was on them, roaring with uncontrollable rage._

_The creature was impossibly large, its shoulder standing a foot taller than Thor with antlers spreading out for several metres, strong enough to rend them in two. The brothers dived apart to escape the rampaging beast but it turned with far more agility than its size implied, rounding on Thor in an instant. Loki, ever the more graceful of the two, rolled to his feet in one smooth movement and unleashed a blast of magic with a flick of his wrist. Green flames struck the beast's eye and sent it crashing off course with a roar that set Loki's bones rattling. _

_The distraction offered Thor enough time to scramble to his feet and yank Mjölnir from his belt, hefting it with familiarity. _

_"We have to get out of here!" Loki could see the way Thor was gearing up for a fight but he could hardly believe that he could be so foolish. Bilgesnipe were herd animals and where there was one, there were many. They were only ever hunted in great numbers and with great preparation - not by two young princes who had no quick way of escaping. _

_"Are you so afraid?" Thor's words might be mocking but they were tinted with the brotherly affection that made it impossible for Loki to feel offended. "Come brother! We can present this creature to the dwarves as a gift!" With that he charged towards the recovering beast with a battle cry in his throat. What could Loki do but follow?_

_The bilgesnipe was stronger than they were but they had speed and - for now - an advantage in numbers, able to cover the other and watch each other's backs. Loki knew though that despite their success they had to end this quickly. The fight wasn't subtle and no doubt the remainder of the herd could hear the commotion and besides, a bilgesnipe had far more stamina than an Aesir. _

_It hadn't taken Loki long to work out that their best shot was to land one solid blow on the hollow of the creature's throat, one of the few places that wasn't covered by thick, impenetrable scales but to land the hit they'd need to get in range of the antlers. They had one chance. _

_Apparently Thor hadn't been paying the same level of attention however, and was instead allowing himself to be riled up by the extended fighting. He was growing sloppy in his movements and leaving too many openings that Loki couldn't defend for him - it could only have ended in disaster. In a moment of adrenaline fuelled madness, Thor charged straight at the creature with his hammer poised aloft - and ran straight onto the antlers. A twisted barb slid clean through Thor's light armour and into the soft flesh of his stomach with a sickening squelch that drained the colour from his face in one smooth move. Mjölnir hit the ground at the same time as Loki drove a dagger into the creature's head._

_He didn't even watch as it fell, turning straight to his fallen brother and reaching for his shoulders instead. "Thor! Stay awake, alright, you need to stay awake!" The blue eyes had fluttered clothes and Thor's tanned skin was already fading to a deathly pale, breath whispering in and out of his lungs. Loki wasn't a healer - he knew a few basic spells but nothing of this magnitude - which meant that Thor's only hope was to get back to Asgard. It would take almost a whole day to reach the edge of the forest and the Bifrost and there was no way Loki could carry his brother's weight so far in enough time. And he couldn't leave him here to get help - he'd never make it back soon enough. _

_Loki looked around the clearing in desperation as though answers might spring up from the shadows to aid him but the forest was just as silent as it had been before they'd been attacked. Speaking of, they needed to get out of there as soon as possible in case more bilgesnipe started hunting for their lost companion. _

_His attention was diverted again when Thor made a soft keening noise low in his throat, a testament to just how much pain he was in and suddenly Loki knew exactly what he had to do. He wasn't going to sit and watch his brother suffer when he could take Thor's pain away. He couldn't heal it but just maybe he could... transfer it. It wasn't a spell he had used before for obvious reasons but it was almost beautiful in its simplicity - it should work. Of course, if it didn't then they would both die. _

_He felt Thor flinch when he pressed his fingers to the wound but he ignored it, focussing on the strength that lit up his core with warmth, letting it flow out of him like water. The pain didn't hit him as immediately as he'd expected but he felt the wetness of blood spreading across his torso that warned him it was coming. When the agony started it spread like forest fire, devouring his strength and sending him to the ground just as it had done Thor. _

_Beside him, his brother gasped awake, alive and well as he stared in surprise and horror at the blood that coated them both before he leapt into action, heaving Loki's dead weight onto his lap. "Brother, what-" He stopped himself then, glancing at the carcass and at his own stomach before he grew pale once more. "Tell me you didn't do what I think you did Loki," he ordered sternly. _

_Loki couldn't have replied even if he'd wanted to, drowning in the grey that had consumed his vision and gradually slipping away. Thor was by far the stronger of the two brothers and he'd no doubt be able to carry Loki to the edge of the forest and get them back to Asgard long before he bled to death - it was the only solution. The world narrowed down to Thor's warm presence and the weight of his own breathing; he passed out in peace. _

_When he awoke it was a quiet affair where he blinked at the ceiling for a solid minute before he worked out where he was and allowed himself to relax back into the mattress he was laid upon. A brief internal assessment proved his wound to be healed, putting him out of danger, though his body was racked with the stiffness that tended to follow long periods of immobility. How long had he been here?_

_"Loki? I think he's awake," a female voice called from his bedside. Sif. Of all the people to welcome him back to the land of the living and he was lumped with her. _

_"Brother?" Ah, that was better. He turned towards the sound with a certain amount of effort, shifting uncomfortably when his fatigued body protested. The blonde beamed at him, blue eyes shining more brightly than they should. "It is good to see you awake again at last. I feared for you. Never do something like that again!"_

_"You mean save you?" Loki shot back without missing a beat, ignoring the way his voice rasped through his too-dry throat. "I fear I shall have to spend the rest of my life stopping you from running headlong towards Hel."_

_It was supposed to be a joke to ease the tension he could see in his brother's shoulders but the words only made it worse, darkening something in Thor's eyes that Loki couldn't name. He had the sudden urge to brace himself. "I mean it Loki. Don't ever use that spell again. It is dark magic and I will not stand for it, especially upon myself." Had Loki not been so weary he would have flinched at the unfamiliar coldness in that tone but as it was he could only blink in surprise. _

_"You'd rather I let you die?" He prayed that no one else heard the hurt in his voice that had coiled around his chest. _

_"If you spent more time training with us and working on your strength then you would have been able to get Thor out of there yourself," Sif remarked with just a hint of glee. "We've always told you that your magic was good for nothing."_

_That kind of comment was common enough from Sif that Loki barely even felt stung, sinking back into the familiar comfort that let him know Thor would never stand for such a slight against him. He didn't want the thunderer fighting his battles for him but it was always fun to watch him reprimand Sif when her tongue got away from her. Despite all the arguments the brothers had shared over the years, Thor had never failed to defend him when he was insulted like that._

_Only this time, he didn't. _

_The silence hung heavy and thick in the air as Loki turned back to his brother in hurt surprise, eyeing the thoughtful hunch of his shoulders. He didn't meet Loki's eyes when he spoke. "Sif is right. You should join us in the yards some time to practice. Your magic was entertaining as a child but you must grow up now Loki, and leave this foolishness behind you. It will get you killed." Stunned as he was, Loki hardly even noticed when Thor pushed himself to his feet and started walking away. "I must speak with Father. Rest and recover your strength. I'll visit you later."_

_'Don't,' he wanted to say but the word wouldn't escape him. Sif rose as well and strutted after Thor, an air of vindictive satisfaction rolling off her - what he had ever done to deserve her hatred was beyond him. Maybe it was simply that he had Thor's love and she didn't. Or he had at least. He'd thought he had. _

_Loki sat alone for a long while after that, trying to find some sense in what had just happened but he came up empty handed each time. Since when had Thor taken Sif's side over his? Since when had he considered Loki's magic - the force that had just saved his life and was his only true talent - to be worthless? If it was then surely Loki must be too. The only other qualities he could claim to possess were a talent for lies and a wide knowledge granted to him from extensive reading - neither of which were looked upon favourably by the Aesir. _

_A coldness was spreading through the Prince's chest and he was unwilling to linger in that place of healing when all he wanted to do was to break, to destroy. He hauled himself out of the bed with more effort than he had expected, glaring at the healer who tried to stop him and left without another word. _

_As a child he would have sought solace from his mother but he dared not go to her then for fear of proving Thor's accusations true and showing himself a child still. The library was his second choice but he didn't dare lay a finger on those precious scrolls before he was certain he wouldn't tear them to shreds in a fit of anger. And so he fled to his chambers. _

_His rooms were smaller than Thor's by request - he had no love of wide open spaces - and crammed full of magical paraphernalia that to most people would look like nothing more than rubbish. It was his sanctuary when the worlds outside turned too dark for him to bear. He'd never had to come here to avoid his brother though. _

_Loki sat on his bed and waited. Waited for Thor or waited for answers or simply just waited for time to pass until the pain in his heart faded, he didn't know. He watched as the sun crested and fell, inching towards the horizon as light spilled across the beautiful city below him in a dazzling display. He watched as it set in a blaze of red and gold, plunging the world into murky shadows that crept into the corners of his unlit room. He watched as the moon rose and sent silver light to dance on the waves. _

_Thor never came._

* * *

It was a strange moment for Loki to remember now, but then, he supposed, his mind was no longer the most stable of places. It was likely to only deteriorate from here - he might as well get used to it.

Despite the intervening centuries he could still feel the sharp sting of hurt as he recalled his brother's ingratitude and coldness, a wound that had never been given the chance to heal completely. Thor had never apologised for his words and Loki had never asked for an explanation. It remained unspoken between them, a bitter poison that ate at their brotherhood inch by agonising inch.

Of course, it was but one moment in centuries and yet he could still see it perfectly in his mind's eye as though the image had been burned there to forever haunt him.

Loki shifted slowly, rising from his slumped position in the corner of his forsaken cell to stretch his legs out and pace around the enclosed space while his mind still churned in painful circles, hurling memories at him faster than he could comprehend. Of all of them, one seemed to play on repeat, pulling at emotions he didn't think he still had the capacity to feel.

* * *

_Almost twenty years had passed since the incident with the bilgesnipe and time had done nothing to heal the rift caused between the two brothers. Loki had refused to cease his practice of magic, much to Thor's obvious displeasure and it caused no end of arguments that often raged for hours until Frigga ordered them apart to cool off. _

_The Warriors Three and Sif had only drawn further away from Loki now that they didn't have to bear his company to keep Thor happy. The young god found that he couldn't really bring himself to miss their absence. Thor however was a whole different story - in times gone by he would have been the first one Loki would run to when he mastered a new spell, an ever captive audience to a person who thrived on the affection so often denied to him. He hadn't realised how much he'd relied on Thor's continued presence until it was gone. _

_Still, Loki was never one to be taken down by solitude and he found himself in the books he surrounded himself with and the magic that grew stronger with each day. He wasn't yet considered a man and yet he was already one of the most powerful sorcerers known to Asgard - it would have felt like more of an achievement if there was anyone to celebrate with. _

_Lacking for company, he rode out one day alone to escape the confines of the city and just spent hours wandering the forest trails in idle amusement, not wishing to achieve anything by it other than finding peace within the ancient trees and balancing himself again. Being a Prince of Asgard came with a certain amount of work and being a _second _prince was worse - especially when your elder brother was Thor. All the diplomacy and paperwork seemed to fall to him for some reason (Odin playing favourites of course but Loki didn't want to have to acknowledge that right now) while Thor got off with 'public relations.' _

_It was infuriating._

_Night was falling by the time he turned for home. He wasn't in any rush - work could wait and he wouldn't be missed. At least, he'd thought he wouldn't be missed. _

_He strode into his chambers with his usual confidence only to freeze when he caught sight of the figure lingering beside his bed. Before he could recover sufficiently to demand to know what was going on Thor turned on him. _

_"Where have you been?" He screeched at him, taking three long strides forwards to grab Loki's shoulders and shake him enough for his teeth to rattle. "I've been looking for you for hours!"_

_Irrational anger swirled through Loki at that. Thor had no right to be angry at him - he was perfectly entitled to do what he wanted without informing his brother of his plans and besides, Thor had made no effort to seek him out for months. "Clearly not with any great enthusiasm. If you had simply asked a stable-hand then they could have told you that I rode out of the city this morning and was not expected back until late. Honestly Thor, have you no common sense?" _

_The blonde flinched back at the barely concealed venom in Loki's tone, looking at him reproachfully. He thrust away the guilty feeling flooding his stomach with a harsh shove, pulling away from his brother's hands and moving to a chair by the cold hearth. _

_"I take it you have some reason for hunting me out?"_

_Thor came to sit in the second chair, looking mildly affronted. "Do I need a reason to want to spend time with my little brother? Perhaps I merely desired your company."_

'You never have before,' _He thought to himself but he didn't voice the opinion. He was still possessed by the calmness he had found in the forest and he had no desire to throw it away in one pointless fight with his brother. Instead he just said with dry humour, "Of course you did."_

_Thor laughed aloud and heartily, the noise grating at Loki's ears. That wasn't Loki's laugh at all - that was the laugh that belong to Fandral and Volstagg, not to him. Was there any inch of the blonde that was still Loki's brother? "I haven't seen you for some time brother. I could almost believe that you've been avoiding me."_

_"The only places you seem to frequent with any regularity are the training yards and the tavern, neither of which have succeeded in capturing my interest. If you decide to do something of any import I'll be sure to join you."_

_"You could always train with us, you know."_

_"I know."_

_"Would it be so awful to spend some time with our friends? Your absence has been noticed." By the Norns, Thor sounded _hurt. _Whatever Loki had done in a past life to deserve this he didn't know but he was truly sorry. _

_"They're not my friends Thor," he said eventually. "I have no desire to force my company upon them when it is unwanted and besides, I do actually have things to do."_

_"Like practice magic? Loki, you know that it isn't fitting-"_

_The anger flared again before Loki could even begin to understand it. "I'm well aware that my very nature disgusts you, thank you. If that's all you have to say on the matter I'd ask that you left me in peace. I'm tired." He'd risen from his seat as he spoke, instinctually retreating from Thor as though he knew that this conversation would hurt him. _

_"That's not what I-" Thor had stood up too but didn't follow him, looking entirely out of his depth with no way back to the surface again. After a moment he fell back on what he knew from spending time with his friends. "Come brother, let us spar together. It will help us both relax."_

_Loki was so very tempted to tell him that his method of relaxation was time in the forest alone, not swinging aimlessly with a wooden stick when he could use his magic to blast an enemy into chunks, but he could hear the hopefulness in Thor's tone that sounded so much like a younger version of him that it was heartbreaking. So instead he just sighed and nodded slowly. "Fine then, if it will please you."_

_Despite the late hour, the training yards weren't empty. Apparently a warrior of Asgard was not considered as such unless he or she spent every waking hour with a weapon in their hand - Loki just raised an eyebrow at them as they stared at the princes. Thor handed him a long thin staff, grabbing a shorter, thicker one for himself - Odin had forbidden him from practicing with Mjölnir in the palace grounds over a year ago when he'd broken a man's arm by accident. Loki weighted the wood in his hand, finding its balance before he slid into a low defensive pose. _

_He knew from past experience that he hadn't got a hope of defeating Thor by attacking him head on - he simply wasn't strong enough - but he was the faster of the two and was far more agile on his feet. His best bet was to evade until Thor was irritated enough to leave himself open._

_Swift as he was though, the fight wasn't easy. He dodged what he could and parried what he could not - each blow sending his arms trembling with the sheer force of the collision - but it didn't leave him any time for his own attacks and he was forced to retreat more than he would like. If he ended up against a wall then he was going to be in serious trouble._

_For all his worry however, his most startling emotion was pride. Thor had improved significantly since they had last fought together and he seemed to have gained some mastery over his inflated sense of pride, allowing him to keep a level head even when he couldn't land a blow. Of course, that made Loki's job far harder. _

_He could also see out the corners of his eyes that their little sparring match had drawn something of a crowd, people who had previously been practicing stopping to watch. He knew without having to ask that they were all rooting for their beloved, blonde prince._

_It wasn't until Thor's stave caught Loki's right wrist with enough strength to cause him to drop his own staff that he realised he'd allowed his thoughts to distract him. He instantly retreated three steps, aware that he was now all but defenceless as his whole forearm throbbed with pain, a stiffness already forming in the joint. He wouldn't be using that hand again. _

_His eyes were fixed on Thor now but he could hear the crowd jeering now, sure of a swift victory. Loki needed to regain his staff or he didn't stand a chance but his brother was no between him and it and it didn't look like he planned on moving voluntarily any time soon. He advanced, 'sword' poised to attack but Loki threw himself sideways, twirling as swiftly as he could so that Thor wouldn't have time to predict his movements , trying to move forwards and around. For all his speed though he felt the stave catch his shoulder - thankfully his right - and he hissed as the bone cracked under the force._

_It had been costly and his whole right arm was turning alarmingly numb but he was able to dive and retrieve his staff, rolling away from Thor to avoid the downwards blow that thudded into the sand beside his head. The sound stunned Loki for the briefest of moments - Thor was really going for it. Maybe he was encouraged by the crowd or maybe he'd been angrier than Loki had anticipated but he wasn't trying to hold back on any of his strength; one clean blow and he'd be in trouble. _

_The staff was too long to properly wield in one hand - especially his weaker left - but he was rapidly running out of options so he did the best he could, keeping his right arm well away from his brother. The clacks of wood colliding filled the space once more, accompanied by the ohs and ahs from the crowd that seemed to be serving to drive Thor into something of a frenzy. It was more intimidating that Loki was willing to admit. _

_It took several more minutes of intense fighting but Loki finally saw an opening he could exploit and he lunged forwards in one smooth movement, staff level despite the slight tremble of exhaustion that had infected his limbs. Five years ago, something like that would have worked, without a doubt. If Loki had been paying more attention in that time he might have known that Thor had matured enough to understand the concept of feinting when in a sparring match. _

_As it was, he was unprepared when Thor spun at the last moment, empty hand coming up to take the force of Loki's blow while his stave swung up, straight into the side of Loki's head. The blow was vicious, sending him staggering to one knee, his own weapon lost somewhere along the way when his mind was too muddled to keep track of it. Distantly he could feel blood snaking down his cheek from a gash on his forehead._

_He could hear the crowd shouting congratulations to Thor and open mockery of his own skill - which no one protested, not even Thor - but he was still too distant to really care. He blinked wildly, staggering to his feet again and using his unhurt hand to wipe blood from his eye. His brother was approaching him with a wide smile that made him look years younger and there was a glee in his eyes that hadn't been directed at Loki in a very long time. _

_"That was a good fight brother," he exclaimed, clapping Loki heavily on the back. He had to fight not to stagger as vertigo swept through him. "I think that final blow of yours broke my arm. You fought well."_

_"Well you can't expect me to win if you will choose to cripple my most potent weapon."_

_"Magic is not acceptable in sparring, Loki, you know that. Let the matter be."_

_Loki really wanted to argue, his peaceful calm from before slipping away faster than he could grab hold of it, but at that moment he was tired and dizzy and he just wanted to be away from there. "I'm tired Thor," he told him honestly. "I think I'll retire for the night."_

_He didn't get more than half a step before Thor's hand fastened firmly around his wrist - his _injured _wrist - to halt him in his tracks. "You're injured! You have to go to the healers and let them see to your head."_

_Loki just raised an eyebrow, feeling spiteful, and pressed his free hand to the gash with a muttered incantation. The skin knitted together smoothly and he pulled his hand away, triumphant. Thor glared at him, his grip tightening until he was squirming in pain as broken bones protested. _

_"Oh, what is it now? You'd rather I suffered a concussion when I have the power to heal myself at my fingertips? You have your skills and I have mine."_

_Thor's glare only seemed to get colder. "If you are so determined to destroy yourself with such habits then it is your own business but I would ask that you do not tarnish the family name with such acts in a public place," he hissed harshly. _

_That was a new attack. Whenever they'd argued about such matters Thor had spoken of it destroying Loki's personal image but he'd never alluded to the fact that he was bringing shame on the family. Bringing shame on _him. _Is that what this was all about?_

'Huh,' _he thought inelegantly. _'Thor is ashamed of me. I don't know how I didn't see this coming.' _And he hadn't. For all their fights, he'd always assumed that he still held Thor's love and pride - clearly he'd been wrong. _

_He couldn't find the words within himself to reply so he just ripped his arm out of the grasp restraining him - and that _hurt _- before turning away and leaving the training yard with as much dignity as he could muster. As soon as he found an alcove he could duck into he grabbed at his arm, allowing magic to swell out of him and mend the bones, pushing the pain down to a dull ache. _

_That night was one spent sat in his room in front of an unlit fire, staring at the ashes with no idea what he was searching for. Somehow he always seemed to end up here, alone and hurting. _

_The next day Thor sat across from him at breakfast, keeping his eyes down on his plate and apparently too disgusted to even look at his brother. It gave Loki the chance to observe him, specifically the bandages wrapped around his left arm and the bruising splattered across his visible skin. For the briefest moment he forgot himself and opened his mouth to offer to heal the fool before he remembered just how that would end. _

_He kept his mouth shut for the rest of the meal._

* * *

Thor didn't come to visit. It took Loki almost two months to realise that it wasn't just because the oaf was busy - he simply didn't want to see him. To begin with he didn't care at all, more content with his solitude than having to deal with facing the fool and knowing that he'd lost but as months dragged by the continued isolation wore on him. Every month or so Odin would come down to stare at him through the magical panel, maybe share a few choice phrases of displeasure and shame before leaving him alone once more. It could hardly be considered good company.

Frigga had managed to get a vision to him once but she'd been interrupted by something he hadn't been able to see and it had been only a fleeting interaction. From the books he was continually brought though he knew he hadn't been entirely forgotten; it was comforting.

It wasn't until almost eight months had passed that he felt his loneliness starting to outweigh his hatred, memories of Thor no longer all dark and tinted with loathing. He remembered other things now, times as a child when the blonde had stood up to bullies twice his size to defend his little brother or other occasions when the two had sat together for hours, talking and laughing without a care. Loki would never be able to admit just how much he longed for those moments again.

Ten months of imprisonment and Loki found himself doing something he'd thought he'd never do (at least not for his own comfort): he was making images of Thor. No one but he could see them but he channelled his magic into that familiar face, making it move and smile and talk just as it should. And the things he said - things he'd _never _say again - brought such a childish comfort to Loki's broken soul that he was able to sleep properly for the first time in over a year. Of course when he woke he'd remind himself that it was really him saying these things and he was a monster not worthy of such joy, it was something that should be crushed out of him. If he held his hand against the force field wall for a few minutes in punishment, no one would know.

A year had come and gone by the time Loki was certain he was falling into madness. He dreamt a lot now, whether he was awake or asleep and the images plagued him with no control.

He took comfort in the pleasant ones, trying to block out the darker ones with limited success. The black thoughts would creep through his mind and infect him like a poison and before he knew it he was lost in memories of the void or the Chitauri or merely a childhood growing up without a friend.

There was a memory he treasured though, bizarre in its simplicity but still one moment he clung to like a lifeline in the wild storm that his mind had become. He didn't even know when it was from - he couldn't have been much older than a toddler and yet it was clear as a bell. In the depths of night be played it over and over again, longing for it with all that was left of his broken heart.

* * *

_"Brother! What's wrong?"_

_Loki sniffed, wiping hastily at his face to hide the tear tracks that had carved their lines down his cheeks. He'd thought himself alone. "Nothing," he replied unconvincingly, aware that Thor wouldn't believe him. _

_"My little brother crying is not nothing. Tell me! I can't bear to see you hurt." Even for someone so young, goodness seemed to shine out of Thor, making it entirely impossible for Loki to feel anything other than sheer adoration and love for his elder brother. _

_He sniffed again, reaching for Thor out of an instinct he couldn't quite control. The blonde pulled him into a hug without question. "I just wanted to go out into the forest but Father told me that he was too busy to organise guards to take me, so I'd just have to stay here. I _want _to go to the lake!" He knew he sounded like a petulant child but Thor would never criticise him for that, would only ever show him sympathy. _

_"Then _I'll _take you!" Thor promised him instantly. He grabbed his brother's thin hand and started leading him in the general direction of the main gates. "I'll keep you safe and Father never even has to know that we were gone."_

_"Are you sure?" He asked, hesitant. He'd been expressly forbidden from leaving the palace alone and they intended on leaving the _city. _"If anyone found out then we'd be in so much trouble!"_

_"Think nothing of it little brother," Thor told him happily. "We'll be fine."_

_They got to the lake with ease and for a few blissful hours everything was marvellously perfect. They played together in the shallows, wrestling and chasing each other, then just sitting and talking about everything that means nothing to an adult but everything to a child while they rested among the grasses. The purity of the forest was so incredible to a young Loki that he knew instantly it would always be his favourite place in all of Asgard. _

_The trouble only started once they got back to the palace. They were greeted at the gates by a small group of Einherjar who took them straight to the throne room and one very irate king. _

_"I thought I told you that you were not to leave the palace Loki!" He ignored Thor entirely, glaring at his younger son with an intensity that left him trembling. _

_Despite clearly being able to get out of this without trouble, Thor stepped forwards, putting himself between Odin and Loki. "It was not his fault Father. He didn't want to disobey you but I convinced him to come with me," he said without a flicker. Loki stared at the back of his brother's head in mute astonishment. _

_Odin sat back on his throne, apparently as surprised as Loki was. "Why would you do something like that? You know that these rules are only in place to keep you and Loki safe and secure and by leaving the city without protection you're putting yourselves in danger! I just want to keep you safe."_

_It was as close to a father as Odin ever appeared in public and both Thor and Loki softened under the tone, the fear seeping out of them. Loki took a hesitant step forwards, around his brother._

_"It wasn't all his fault Father. I told him that I wanted to go and he was just trying to keep me happy. I'm sorry."_

_A flicker of a smile appeared at the corners of Odin's mouth. "What am I to do with the pair of you?" He questioned, gazing at the ceiling with a fondness in his eyes. "If you can both swear to me not to do something like this again, then I shall be satisfied."_

_Thor and Loki spoke in unison. "I swear it."_

_This time Odin truly did smile, eyes glittering as he took in the sight of his two sons standing united. "You may go. Though, I would advise you do not mention your adventures to your mother. She will be less inclined to be forgiving."_

_Loki didn't let Thor get further than the end of the corridor before he leapt at him, throwing his arms around him and gripping him as tightly as he could. The blonde chuckled, hugging him back. "What's all this?"_

_"You stood up for me when you didn't have to." It seemed so obvious, he didn't understand how Thor couldn't see how huge that was. _

_"You're my brother. Of course I stood up for you."_

_"But Father looked so angry!"_

_"So? You're my _brother,_" he stressed. "It doesn't matter how scared I am, I'll always defend you."_

_Loki pulled him into another hug, pressing against him as though it would be enough to convey how much his brother meant to him. "Thank you."_

_"You don't have to thank me. Wouldn't you do the same for me?"_

_"Of course I would," he replied instantly, and he meant it. He'd march into war for his brother._

_"I'll always be here for you Loki. I know we fight sometimes and that we have our differences but you can't ever, for one moment, doubt that you're the most important person to me. Never doubt that I love you." He cupped a hand around the side of Loki's jaw so that he could keep the eye contact when he tried to look down._

_He breathed out shakily. "And I love you brother."_

* * *

Loki woke up with a smile on his face though it was wiped away instantly when he saw what had roused him from his slumber. A group of Einherjar stood outside his cell and one was fiddling with the controls to open the wall.

"What's happening?" He asked, aiming for cold indifference though it faltered around his too dry throat.

"You're to be taken to the throne room," one replied. It sounded as though he would give anything to be somewhere else. "The king desires to speak with you."

* * *

_And then Thor 2 starts I guess. Tell me what you thought? It was just a little angsty stuff I needed to get off my chest._

_I know Thor is a little OOC but since it's in Loki's mind I figured I could get away with it. Poetic license and all that._


	2. Chapter 2

_So I felt like writing more memories. They will not be chronological necessarily, though this one is, sort of. Updates will be sporadic depending on when I have inspiration. Most will be angst._

_There isn't supposed to be any form of linear story from this point on._

* * *

Months had passed since the incident in the training grounds and the two brothers had grown further apart than ever before. Thor seemed confused by it, as though he couldn't grasp why Loki had taken offence to something he merely deemed good advice. He didn't comprehend that his words had stuck straight at his little brother's heart like specific barbs, catching in his chest and tugging him apart at the seams.

Loki was something akin to heartbroken. One of the two people in all of Asgard that he considered his closest companions had admitted openly that he considered Loki an embarrassment and accused him of bringing shame to the name of Odin. No matter how much he tried to tell himself that he didn't care, he couldn't just let it go. Loneliness pressed in on him now that he was being forced into involuntary isolation - the sole exception being infrequent conversations with his mother. Frigga knew he was suffering but she was horribly busy with Vanir diplomats and trusted that the two brothers would sort things out between them without her interference.

Almost half a year had gone by before Loki realised that Thor was never going to apologise for his words and it was down to the younger man to fix their relationship or risk losing it forever. The bitter shard of his heart screamed that he shouldn't have to apologise, that it wasn't his fault he was built the way he was, but the rest of his was tired of his solitude. He missed the company of conversation.

And so he resolved to make Thor a gift - something that a warrior would appreciate whilst also being something that might just remind his elder brother that Loki wasn't the monster he seemed to believe he was. It didn't take him long to craft the amulet - a simple disk of silver, no more than an inch in diameter. Then came the hard part: imbuing the metal with every protection ward Loki could lay his hands on, weaving them together with verses of his own creation until he had a golden web of magic that any sorcerer would be proud of. It took four separate attempts to bind the spell before he managed it without melting the damn thing.

Once it was finished, he carved the image of Mjölnir into the smooth surface and put it in a box to give to his brother. He was remarkably proud of his achievement, aware that this was something of value, something to be treasured.

If only Thor had felt the same.

When Loki appeared in his chambers, he was understandably confused but he scrambled quickly to try and pretend like everything was normal and they weren't both trying to work out what to say. Once there had been a time when conversation had flown easily between them but those days had died as soon as Loki's true nature revealed itself.

After a few moments of painful small talk, Loki pulled the box out and toyed with it in sudden nervousness. "I know we've been distant recently and no doubt it's my fault-" he knew that it wasn't but he was willing to bear the blame if it got him his brother back, "-so I thought it was about time I apologised. I know what you think of magic and if I could I'd give it up today but the truth of it is in my blood. I can't just get rid of it." Thor was frowning but Loki wasn't going to let it stop him. This was something his brother had to hear, since he seemed to be labouring under the misapprehension that Loki's magic was a choice and not something that he'd had no control over. He was who he was, no amount of wishing would change that.

Drawing a fortifying breath, he continued. "So the best I can promise you is that I will do my very best to make you proud of me, in spite of my... differences."

"Brother, I don't-" Thor started but Loki held up a hand to stop him. He wasn't going to let this become a conversation that would descend into an argument like it had so many times before.

"Just hear me out. I brought you a gift," he said placating, holding out the box with a renewed bout of nervousness. For the briefest of moments he was afraid that Thor would just knock it out his hands and laugh as though it was some great joke - of course, he didn't. He took the present with care that was almost reverent.

"It's... _beautiful,_" he said after a moment, dangling the pendant from its chain between his fingers, watching the way the light caught the polished metal. It glowed green ever so slightly, a trace of his magic.

"It's to protect you. I know, I know, you don't need protecting." He smiled at Thor's mock outrage, warmth filling his chest in a way it hadn't done in months. "But for when you're not paying enough attention, it might be comforting to have a backup plan."

"Where did you get it?"

"I made it. I do have _some _skills you know."

"I know you do!" Thor was still staring at the thing like it had entranced him. He looked entirely enthralled until all of a sudden he blinked, frowning. "Wait, when you say 'protect me' do you mean..."

"Yes it's enchanted. Don't look at me like it offends you, I know for a fact that half of your armour is enchanted and don't even get me started on that hammer." Loki saw something flickering in Thor's eyes and he knew in an instant that he'd done something wrong, made a mistake somewhere that would not be so easily rectified. The warmth in his chest fled with the same suddenness as when it had appeared.

"But you... you made the enchantments?" The blonde was starting to look as though the chain was burning his skin, as though he was in physical pain because of its proximity. Loki knew instinctively that as soon as he left that room, Thor would put down the pendant and never touch it again.

"It was nothing," he muttered, ducking his head. Coldness was seeping into his limbs and gripping at him, leaving him numb. Maybe it was aware of the pain that was coming and was trying to protect him from the fallout but right now, all he felt was empty. He'd given Thor a gift that many would pay handsomely for and the blonde would scorn it simply because it was _Loki's _magic that tainted it.

"I'm sure it was far more complicated that I could understand," Thor said with a stiffness that hadn't been there before. Aiming for politeness but without genuine care. "I thank you brother. It is a mighty gift."

Loki nodded once in acknowledgement, unable to say anything. The pain was starting to reach him now and he could feel the burning failure of tears stinging the backs of his eyes - he forced them away with all the strength he had. "I have matters to attend to," he said as soon as he was sure he could speak without choking. "I shall see you later."

He fled the room so quickly that he barely heard Thor's farewell before the door was closing behind him.

* * *

Thor made more of an effort after that, seemingly reminded that he actually had a brother who might want to spend some time with him. He made a point of not mentioning Loki's magic in conversation and the trickster did his best to be unobtrusive with it; having to repress it in such a way was like cutting off a limb but for Thor he would do it because, really, who else could he turn to?

For all their renewed companionship however, for all of the times they ended up in fights and life threatening situations, Loki never once saw Thor wearing the pendant.

* * *

_Tell me what you thought? Should I continue with these one shots? I don't even know at this point. If people will read them, I'll write them._


End file.
